If you cannot build a close relationship for a long time, there may be several reasons. We analyze possible problems and ways to solve them.
On the one hand, relations are something taken for granted, and on the other hand, it is difficult to find truly happy couples who are not building a manipulative, but a sincere and trusting relationship.
If you tried to build relationships and more than three times got a result that does not suit you, then it’s time to go deep: obviously, there is a system error.
What is needed for a harmonious relationship: 4 levels of contact and 8 basic needs
We have three parts: the “inner parent,” the “adult,” and the “child.” The interaction of these parts provides four levels of contact that are necessary for deep relationships.
- “Inner Child” is responsible for intimacy, sincerity, contact and creativity. A family without contact at the level of a child, unfortunately, will fall apart.
- The “inner parent” is responsible for control, encouragement, security, determining what is right and what is wrong, what is important and what is unimportant. In a good and long relationship, views on these things should mostly coincide.
- The “inner adult” is responsible for the plans for the future, the attitude to money: how to spend and earn it. If the “internal adult” spouses do not agree on this issue, it is extremely difficult to maintain the relationship.
- The relationship of your “inner parent” and “inner child” of the partner (and vice versa) manifests itself in mutual care for each other.
In other words, the relationship must meet eight basic needs:
- The need for security: in healthy relationships, we can be as we are without fear of losing love and respect.
- The need to be valuable and meaningful: we want to be appreciated, cared for and considered worthy.
- The need to be accepted by a reliable person: in childhood we need acceptance from a strong and protective adult, but, unfortunately, for many this need was not met.
- The need for a shared experience: to be on the same wavelength with someone, to feel that someone is experiencing the same or experienced before, is an important part of the relationship.
- The need for self-determination: even being in a relationship, we want to preserve our uniqueness and receive recognition of this uniqueness.
- The need for influence: in any relationship we want to influence each other. We dream to change someone else’s mindset, behavior, emotional reaction. At the same time, we want to not only influence, but also see the effect of this influence.
- The need for initiative from another: we want the initiative to communicate not only from us. Any relationship, where one person always takes the first step, ultimately becomes one-sided or even painful.
- The need to express love: to show a feeling of love and affection for someone who knows us well, respects and accepts, who cares about us.
You may ask, where is the need to be loved? The fact is that when all these needs are met, we feel loved.
There may also be a ninth need, unique. It is yours. Someone has it, someone has none.
How to improve relationships or keep them
Look closely at how evenly the types of contact are distributed and whether all the needs in your relationship are satisfied in both directions. If so, maintain this balance. This is enough to save the relationship.
If the balance is broken, you need to identify weak positions and jointly develop them. Please note that the desire for change should be in each of the partners. If only you have it, nothing will come of it.
- Talk to each other, using not only logic, but also emotional intelligence. It is the ability to recognize one’s own and other people’s emotional reactions, to respond to them with the mind and heart.
- Develop empathicity – the ability to understand another person and his feelings, to imagine himself in his place.
- Do not think out – ask. As experience shows, even after living in a couple for many years, people may not fully understand what is actually happening with a partner, therefore dialogue is very important.
- If you have quarreled and you have not been able to resolve this conflict for a long time, or there are questions that cause you to regularly swear for a year or more, contact a specialist. The problem will not disappear by itself, but will go deep and will destroy your relationship like rust.